Our safe space
I talked to Nicole today. She said what I’m feeling is normal and that time is my friend, but I don’t feel normal, and to be honest, I hate time. If this is normal, then why doesn’t she feel it? Why didn’t my ex need time? How was she able to just move on?
Nicole said it’s because my ex saw it coming. She explained that the whole situation is like a wave. Because my ex knew what she was going to do, she was able to avoid the wave. Meanwhile, I was turned away from it, fully in love, believing things were going to work out. Then, the wave smacked me from behind, and it sent me flying. I ended up facedown in the sand, wondering what the hell happened and how I got here.
I don’t know if Nicole is right, but I’m afraid she is. That’s what I keep asking myself over and over: What the hell happened? How did I get here? Why did she do this to me? Why did she do this to us?
I want to turn it all off—the care, the love, the missing her. I want to make it go away like she did. I want it to feel like we never existed. I want to walk around like everything’s okay, just like she is, and move on to someone else, just like she has.
I want to smile and not feel afraid every time I step outside. I want to stop the anxiety that builds up when I see a car that looks like hers. I want to walk past Starbucks without feeling like I can’t breathe because I might see them there, getting her favorite drink and a ham and Swiss croissant. I want to drive past Target without the fear of seeing them come out together, laughing and happy, as if I never existed.
I just want to stop being hit by waves.